I’ll take Lame and Lamer for $200, Alex: The top two candidates to take over Alex Trebeck’s Jeopardy duties when he retires in 2016 are Matt Lauer and Anderson Cooper. Neither could hold Alex’s pocket protector.
See, I told you so: From USA Today – “An Easter egg hunt at the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle turned rotten Sunday after two moms sparked a fight, according to the Seattle Police Department. The “hard-boiled tale” began when “one woman reportedly pushed a child aside as her own child was scrambling toward some brightly colored eggs,” the police department said in a statement.”
The chances of us doing what we will eventually do is 100%.
Rooty tooty, kick your booty: Another IHOP fistfight, this time in Waterloo, Iowa. There should only be happiness in a place that serves large quantities of bacon and sausage.
Word is that the plot of the new sequel G.I. Joe Retaliation involves the enemy forcing their hostages to watch the first G.I. Joe movie.
Attention Al-Qaeda: Inventor Adam Harvey has supposedly created a hoodie which can make the wearer invisible to drones flying overhead. “It’s what I call anti-drone,” explains designer Adam Harvey. “That’s the sentiment. The material in the anti-drone clothing is made of silver, which is reflective to heat and makes the wearer invisible to thermal imaging.” The previous Al Qaeda method for dealing with drones was, according to their manual, “Stop, Drop, and Roll”.
Elsewhere in the fashion world: Georgian Leslie Deets has created a line of purses which solves the challenge of pistol packin’ mamas wanting to still look fashionable while carrying heat. The purses have a seprate pocket for firearms, with a zip side to allow one hand to stay on the concealed gun at all times.
From the Insert Your Own Joke Here Department: “Justin Beiber’s Monkey Detained in Germany.” (I don’t make up the headlines, folks.)
Space News: From Nasa Science News – “For nearly 35 years, NASA’s Voyager 1 probe has been hurtling toward the edge of the solar system, flying through the dark void on a mission unlike anything attempted before. One day, mission controllers hope, Voyager 1 will leave the solar system behind and enter the realm of the stars—interstellar space. That day may be upon us. “The latest data from Voyager 1 indicate that we are clearly in a new region where things are changing quickly,” says Ed Stone, Voyager project scientist at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena. This is very exciting. We are approaching the solar system’s final frontier.”
The start of interstellar space is also marked by a complete absence of plastic Walmart shopping bags.
Your Waiting for Season 4 of Downton Abbey Substitute:
Scotland and Wales begin to get on Merry’s nerves. Thomess learns to throw his voice and “makes” Carson say embarassing things in the dining room. Needith strikes up a relationship with an upstairs portrait, but finds the conversation limited. Sybil becomes an extreme couponer. Bora gets a hankering for a burger and fries. Ms. O’Lien undergoes the annual shedding of her skin.
America’s Pasttime? In 2012, TV viewership of baseball declined about 24%, but actual ballpark attendance was the fifth highest total in major league history.
Saudia Arabia, Land of Enlightenment. The Kingdom is now allowing women to ride bikes in “recreational areas”.
I have a good radar for April Fool’s jokes, so when “Google Nose” magically appeared on Monday, I was suspicious. However, when I asked a Google rep whether or not Google Nose was a prank, she replied “It’s not.”
I always thought the gate was at any McDonald’s bathroom. From Discovery News: “A “gate to’ hell” has emerged from ruins in southwestern Turkey, Italian archaeologists have announced. Known as Pluto’s Gate — Ploutonion in Greek, Plutonium in Latin — the cave was celebrated as the portal to the underworld in Greco-Roman mythology and tradition. Historic sources located the site in the ancient Phrygian city of Hierapolis, now called Pamukkale, and described the opening as filled with lethal mephitic vapors. “This space is full of a vapor so misty and dense that one can scarcely see the ground. Any animal that passes inside meets instant death,” the Greek geographer Strabo (64/63 BC — about 24 AD) wrote. Announced this month at a conference on Italian archaeology in Istanbul, Turkey, the finding was made by a team led by Francesco D’Andria, professor of classic archaeology at the University of Salento. D’Andria has conducted extensive archaeological research at the World Heritage Site of Hierapolis. Featuring a vast array of abandoned broken ruins, possibly the result of earthquakes, the site revealed more ruins once it was excavated. The archaeologists found Ionic semi columns and, on top of them, an inscription with a dedication to the deities of the underworld — Pluto and Kore. D’Andria also found the remains of a temple, a pool and a series of steps placed above the cave — all matching the descriptions of the site in ancient sources. “People could watch the sacred rites from these steps, but they could not get to the area near the opening. Only the priests could stand in front of the portal,” D’Andria said.”
And speaking of eternal torment, on this day (April 4th) in 1975, the number one song in the land was Minnie Riperton’s “Lovin’ You”, quite possibly one of the worst songs ever made. Picture yourself in 1975, in a long gas line, no air conditioning in the car, wearing itchy corduroy, and this song playing on the radio. Good times, my friends, good times. It is a little known fact that this song was played constantly for the terrorist detainees at Gitmo, and that the detainees themselves volunteered to be waterboarded, because “sound does not travel as good underwater”. Anyway, I present “Lovin’ You” by Minnie Riperton, in all of its unedited glory. May God have mercy on your soul.