My wife is very concerned that not many people are reading Dave’s Dots because it is not a very catchy title, and it is too hard to find on the internet. Personally, I think Dave’s Dots is like a brand name, sort of like “Top Ten List” , where you know exactly what you are getting. My wife thinks that the title needs more key words to make it easier to find, reminding me that my most viewed post was my article on Timbuktu. Apparently, Timbuktu is a rare subject for an article, so when people actually search for that fabled city, my article comes to the front of the pack. Perhaps my wife is right – I need more popular key words or hashtags, or something. So, without further ado, I bring you – Dave’s Timbuktu, Kardashian, Obamacare, Lebron James, New York, Tea Party, Paris, Trayvon Martin, Sharknado, Rama Lama Ding Dong, Dots.
Dave’s Dots starts off with sad news: The world’s last telegram will be sent in India on Sunday, July 14th. India was the only country in the world still sending telegrams, but only at the rate of about 5000 a day. The very first telegraph message was “What God Have Wrought” by Samuel B. Morse in 1844, but no one knows what the last telegram will wind up saying. How about “All Good Things Must Come to an India” or “What Goes Around Comes Around”?
Just wondering: Would an Indian messenger be known as a “curryer”?
Remaining in the Far East, we have this from China: A company there has developed “hair stockings” for women to slip on their legs in an effort to ward off potential perverts. (Yes, that is an actual product picture to the left.) No word on whether United States distribution is in the near future.
But hey, hairy legs also repel women:
Meanwhile, a beauty pageant contestant was brutally assaulted by the English language:
Great news, because literacy rates have plunged since the last book: Author J.K. Rowling announced that she is beginning work on another Harry Potter book, and she is asking for input on the title:
a) Harry Potter Misses All the Attention and the Money
b) Harry Potter Conducts the Westboro Baptist Choir
c) Harry Potter Creates Education Better
And speaking of names: After much deliberation and handwringing, Kanye West and his significant other, Kim Kardashian, have actually named their newborn daughter, “North”. That’s right – North West. Wow.
In space, no one can hear people give kids stupid names: The Hubble space telescope recently picked up a curious phenomenon, the act of two far flung galaxies tearing each other apart. Even more curious, one of the galaxies looks like a giant penguin and the other galaxy resembles the penguin’s egg. Would you rather be torn apart by your parent or named “North” by your parent?
Funny, I thought CNN was a soap opera: Cnn reporter Jake Tapper will actually be appearing soon on a soap opera. He is scheduled to appear on All My Children in August as a “pushy TV investigative reporter”.
More TV drama: The deep throated spokesman, founder, and executive chairman of Men’s Wearhouse, George Zimmer, was abruptly fired from his own company several weeks ago. Apparently, the company was not pleased with Zimmer’s ultimatum to restore him as sole decision maker. Personally, I think that the company thought that George Zimmer’s “creepy cracker” collection was going to hurt overall sales. My bad, wrong Zimmer man.
On this week in history:
July 9, 2008 – Iran conducts its “Great Prophet” war games, and, for the second year in a row, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gets the high score.
July 10, 1519 – Unsatisfied with the Ming Dynasty king, the Prince of Ning leads an army to capture Nanjing, and all of its bling bling.
July 10, 2005 – Hurricane Dennis hits the Florida Panhandle, causing a big spill on the Continental Kitchen Floor.
July 11, 911 – In France, a peace treaty is finalized by King Charles the Simple and the Viking leader, Rollo. Next year, the treaty is smashed by Charles’ queen, Beatrice the Complicated.
And now its time for questions from our apparently non-existent audience:
Q: I’ve drank a lot of buttermilk in my day, but I never saw the term “cultured buttermilk” until yesterday. What the heck does that mean? – Stan L., Birmingham, Alabama
A: Cultured buttermilk is a drink that has been around the block a few times, if you catch my drift. I would keep it away from your extra virgin olive oil.
Q: Whazzup with all the “-stan” countries in the Middle East? – Charlotte L., Richmond, Virginia
A: The countries Pakistan, Uzbekistan, etc. are all derived from an ancient root word, roughly translated as “flunk your geography test”. At the time, there was a powerful warlord named Stan, who ruled Central Asia with an iron fist. His chief rival was another warlord named Bill, who would capture Stan’s territories and rename them after himself. Rare maps of the time show areas named “Pakibill” and “Uzbekibill”. Eventually, Stan forced Bill into exile, and Bill’s son, Chad, formed his own nation in central Africa
Q: I saw a headline the other day that read: “Sun Peppers the Earth with Cosmic Rays.” What does that mean? – Barbara M., Charleston, South Carolina
A: It means the Earth was assaulted.
Q: Assaulted and peppered? Wow.
A: Variety is the spice of life.