Presidential retreat: Rumor has it that President Obama turned down a brief appearance in the civil rights film The Butler. But, when asked about a supporting role in the 2014 film Tea Party Zombies from Uranus, the President said he was “so there”.
Another turn down: Embattled kitchen queen Paula Deen also recently turned down a role, an invitation to dance on the 17th season of Dancing With the Stars. But she did express interest in the new Fox dance show entitled Puttin’ On the Ritz (Cracker).
And speaking of starring roles: Comet Ison, once billed as the “Comet of the Century”, may not nearly be as bright as believed. The reflected light off the melting ice from the comet (as it gets nearer to the sun) has not intensified since January, leading some scientists to doubt that the comet’s performance and intensity will be as spectacular as advertised when it makes its closest approach to Earth in November.
Hmmm. Not as bright as thought, peters out in November. Sounds like a candidate for the Republican presidential ticket in 2016.
Exceeding the hype: On the heels of the suprising success of Syfy channel’s Sharknado, comes Sharknado 2, due out in the spring of 2014. And let us not ignore Ghost Shark, which premiered last month on Syfy. With this guy, you can’t just simply wait out the sharknado in your protected underground bunker. No, the ghost shark will leap out of your bottle of mineral water or the toilet in your bunker and devour you faster than you can say “Carcharodon carcharias”. Serious business.
I smell another movie deal: From The Telegraph – A new species of shark that “walks” along the seabed has been discovered off the coast of Indonesia. The brown spotted fish, which has been called Hemiscyllium halmahera, is a species of bamboo shark that grows up to 27 inches in length. The sharks live on the ocean floor and wriggle their bodies so that their fins push them along in a walking motion. The new shark scours the sea floor at night for marine invertebrates and small fish to eat. Unlike its larger cousins, it is too small to be a threat to humans.
Not a threat to humans? Not after Hollywood works their magic. Sharkathon – when a simple 5k becomes a race for your life!
Half Nelson: WWE wresting star Darren young becomes the first professional wrestler to come out of the closet.
Fool Nelson: Former South African President Nelson Mandela, who is in critical condition at a South African hospital, received a stern warning from the City of Johannesburg that his home’s utilities would be cut off if he didn’t pay a past due bill. The City sent the warning to the wrong house. Oops.
Pile driver: In case you missed it this year, please celebrate National Garbage Man Day next June. Personally, I am offended that this day is so close to Father’s Day, but I guess it makes sense. Have you ever known a woman to walk a trash bag from the kitchen all the way to the outside trash can?
Figure Four: A recent study found that 95% of non-eating disordered women overestimate the size of their hips by 16% and their waists by 25%, yet the same women were able to correctly estimate the width of a box. Bad news for women, but great news for men, as this study finally gives males some better answers for the dreaded question – “honey, do these pants make my butt look big?':
Answer #1: I wish you could see yourself through my eyes instead of the hopelessly deluded eyes that a recent study says you have.
Answer #2: No, not when you compare it to the box that our widescreen tv came in.
Answer #3: Good things come in small packages. Great things like you come in large packages.
Cage Match: From Foxnews – A Chinese zoo’s supposed “African lion” was exposed as a fraud when the dog used as a substitute started barking. The zoo in the People’s Park of Luohe, in the central province of Henan, replaced exotic exhibits with common species, according to the state-run Beijing Youth Daily. It quoted a customer surnamed Liu who wanted to show her son the different sounds animals made — but he pointed out that the animal in the cage labelled “African lion” was barking. The beast was in fact a Tibetan mastiff — a large and long-haired breed of dog. “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” the paper quoted Liu, who was charged 15 yuan ($2.45) for the ticket, as saying. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” Three other species housed incorrectly included two coypu rodents in a snake’s cage, a white fox in a leopard’s den, and another dog in a wolf pen. The chief of the park’s animal department, Liu Suya, told the paper that while it does have a lion, it had been taken to a breeding facility and the dog — which belonged to an employee — had been temporarily housed in the zoo over safety concerns. Users of China’s Twitter-like Sina Weibo service mocked the zoo. “This is not funny at all. It’s sad for both the zoo and the animals,” said one. “They should at least use a husky to pretend to be a wolf,” said another.
More cage news: Apparently, the latest rage in restaurants is for them to be supplied with eggs from farms that only have “cage free” chickens. Chains like Hardees and Caribou Coffee have recently jumped on board with this. Now, as you enjoy your sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit, you can rest in the knowledge that the chicken that supplied your egg was running around free and happy before someone stuck a hand up their butt and kidnapped their offspring. Lord, Hardees was slow enough as it was – now I will have to wait for them to catch a chicken instead of just pulling it out of a cage.
On this week in history:
August 30, 1963 – The “hotline” between Washington D.C. and Moscow was created. Later, the hotline was converted into a 1-800 number by President Bill Clinton.
August 28, 1917 – Ten “Suffragettes” (women petitioning for the right to vote) are arrested in a protest outside the White House. Later, during Bill Clinton’s term, he pardons them, inviting all women, from Suffragettes to Rockettes, into the White House “anytime they want”.
August 27, 1896 – The Anglo-Zanzibar War, on the island of Zanzibar in southeastern Africa, ends after approximately 45 minutes of fighting, the shortest war in human history. Games of Risk last longer than that.
August 27, 1928 – The Kellogg Briand Act is signed by 15 countries, outlawing the practice of war. Now, why didn’t Zanzibar think of that? Oh, and someone forgot to tell Hitler.
August 25, 2013 – Miley Cyrus does absolutely nothing newsworthy. Nada. Period.
Now, beer that tastes like cat urine, on purpose: China, that great creator, has announced a line of Hello Kitty beers, based on the popular cartoon feline. Currently six “tropical” flavors are offered, with two new flavors, calico and persian, coming soon.
Speaking of felines: From SkyNews – Russian President Vladimir Putin gave students at a school an unconventional lesson on Tuesday – how to draw a cat’s behind. The at-times eccentric head of state was visiting the Kurgan region school on the first day of the academic year; sitting in on classes and answering questions on state exams. At a computer class, he began drawing on a whiteboard up the front of the room, Russian news agency RIA Novosti reported. As he left the classroom a student asked what he had drawn, to which the president replied: “It’s a cat. The rear view.” Putin visited the same school in 2012 to speak on modernisation of rural education.
China responded, saying that any similarities between this incident and the launch of its Hello Kitty line of beer are “purely coincidental”. England and France went on high alert, saying that the drawing looked remarkably like an “invasion plan of Poland”.
Closing thoughts: It seems that too many people don’t know how to use “too” in a sentence. Really, two people is two too many to not know how to use “too”.
Exit song: On this day in 1978, the song Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey was number one in the country marking a three week stay at the top of the charts. Scoff if you must, but remember A Taste of Honey’s words:
If you’re thinkin’ you’re too cool to boogie
Boy oh boy have I got news for you
Everybody here tonight must boogie
Let me tell ya’ you are no exception to the rule
Got it, punk?